May 02 2010
Good bye dad
I woke up relatively early yesterday morning. Magali and Eva were still sleeping. I made myself a cup of thee and went silently out for a cigarette. They both had a long week behind, so I didn´t want to wake them up. “It’s beautiful day, for no particular reason”. That’s how it felt - and that’s what I wrote on my Facebook wall, at that particular moment.
Ironicly, an hour later, just a couple of minutes before Magali and Eva would wake up, I received an e-mail, telling that my father died.
The message didn’t say what day exactly my father died, it was a short message, containing no more information but another single sentence about burial, that would be a day later, on Sunday, 2d May, 2010.
At first I felt indifferent as through years, I had no connection with my father in any meaningful way, but the fact I came on this world most probably out of his random seed.
Later in the morning I got a huge headache and many questions run into my head. My thoughts that I learned to master well, at sudden became uncontrollable. Except a headache, the inside of my head turned into a chaos. Should I cancel the outdoor shoot that I promised to Magali and her daughter Eva, something we all gladly were looking forward to, for nearly a week? Should I let him spoil everything for me once more and this time even with his last breath? Should I let him ruin Magali’s and mine precious time together while we now met again after nine entire years out of sight? And is my father’s death worth all that fuss like canceling my entire Europe make-up tour now? Would Magali overreact, dramatize or even unnecessarily freak out and hold me on her hand palm the following two days - if I’d tell her what was going on? …
By the time Magali and Eva came downstairs for a breakfast, I managed to shut down the chaos in my head as I trained my mind my entire life for moments like these, I also shut down my laptop, put everything aside and focused calmly on TWO OF THEM. and above of all, as Magali is a hard working mum and Eva a beautiful and sweet little girl, spoiling their day was out of question, no matter what. I decided to finish what I intended to do, what I came for… I decided our last two days together should be as the rest of the week… as great as possible. In a way, I silently let them drag me through the day. I let our day be the way all three of us wanted it to be. Simply perfect.
Perfect day
Lou Reed: Perfect day.
Without saying a word about all this to Magali and her daughter, the end of the morning we took off to Montpellier, where we’d meet photographer Florian. Soon after I gave the girls a quick make-up outside in a park, we saw Florian arrive on his red Kawasaki. The rest of the day was pure poetry, as the “French next top model” easily run the show. She made it extremely easy for Florian and the rest of us, because she’s natural born talent, a kid who just loves camera.
She also made some people turn their heads and watch for a while.
After a collective dinner in Japanese sushi restaurant called “Sushi boat” at the end of the day, my headache become unbearable. I appreciated the fact that Magali drew us home later on, accompanied with warm and pleasant summer rain. In South France it felt like it’s summer at least. Once back home, Magali gave me Ibrufen, and an hour later I took two more aspirins. A while later my headache was gone and as Eva was exhausted and deep in a dreamland, Magali and I kept talking until 2.45 am. She also wanted to know about my sudden headache but I managed to maneuver her questions away. Once more, I was in charge of what I was thinking. Also in charge of what I was feeling. I was once again in charge of things inside and outside of my head. Giving space to nobody to mess it up for me. Certainly not my dead father.
Anyways, good bye dad. Or like the ancient Indian saying goes, I guess it was for you: “a good day to die”.
For me it was a good day to live.
I wish you all the best where ever you might be now.
Amazingly, your sperm traveled far. Most likely much further then anyone would ever expect.. and probably also much further then you ever deserved, but that latest is not up to me to judge. Really.. So I’ll leave it right here.
Find peace, because I found mine.
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Backstage pictures in Montpellier
These are the backstage pictures of our perfect day in Montpellier …part 1.
I’ve taken them with my small traveler camera.
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| Magali and Eva on the street in Montpellier. |
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| Magali and Eva. |
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| Magali and Eva 2. |
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| Eva. |
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| Florian taking picture of Eva. |
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| Eva posing for Florian. |
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| Eva and Florian. This is what I mean with: natural talent… Just look at her! |
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| Oh, I forgot to mention, she’s a “natural seducer” too! |
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| Photographer Florian trying to shoot me… but I was faster. :) |
May 4th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
A beautiful day, beautiful people and a beautiful song. It’s sure’s beautiful!
Man! you gotta write a book with you stories. I’m hanging at your lips. Hope that the chaos in your head finds it’s peace.
I think of you guys!!!!
August 11th, 2011 at 1:47 pm
The Anger Business. 11 August 2011
Hi Alexander, I share your ‘father’ sentiments regarding my own father, but amplified many times. Mine ‘passed on’ (died) after a long struggle against prostate problems, around the middle of September 2010. I partly laughed inside because he had managed to evade responsibility and failed to apologise for his horrific actions and behaviour after walking out on a family of 5 kids in 1960. The children he had abandoned and who had left his fanatical JW religion, ‘no longer existed’ in his mind and were not spoken of, even to his congregation overseer, whom he had ‘confessed’ other domestic crimes to but not the ones connected with his ‘hidden, non-JW children’.
My hunch phone call, in March 2011, (a disturbance in ‘The Force’ I’d been feeling since September 2011) to his local congregation overseer, in Lisburn, N Ireland – I have lived in southern England, since 1972 and never been back to N Ireland since - was a surprise to this old man because he wasn’t aware (after more than 20 years local attendance) that I existed or my father had more than 2 children - all of whom he profoundly damaged both intentionally and by default (neglect). I understand your mixed feelings and perhaps at times ambiguous attitudes to people who profess ‘love’, especially family. Some of us are literally ‘lucky to be alive’. Others are alive but ‘walking wounded for life’ inside. The legacy of damaging and destructive parents.
As one wise nurse said when my daughter was born 21 years ago, “The best you can do is to bring them up with as little damage as possible”. Saddest of all, many separated parents (50%) don’t understand the meaning of this simple principle; they are too busy and preoccupied with their own agenda and ‘unfinished business’. The Anger Business.
You can’t choose your relatives but you can choose your friends.
Kind regards
Paul